Varys' Journey Through his Mind, Heart, and Soul
by fortwenti
Summary: Lord Varys has been exiled from Kings Landing due to suspicion of murder. He is sent to the Wall where he meets that special someone.


Varys' Journey Through His Mind, Heart, and Soul

It was another boring day in kings landing. Varys was doing the Friday night blazing with his friend Little Finger. Little Finger's room was dank with the musty smell of smoke emanating from the thirteen precisely rolled blunts in Varys' mouth. Each one looking like a small, white, erect worm on fire.

"Dude" said Varys, coughing from the smoke as the words exited his mouth. "What if, like, Joffry isn't actually dead, and is just faking it?"

"Nah, dude, he's like, so fucking dead. Trust me. I know, man."

"What? How would you be so certain."

"Dude, what?" Retorted Little finger, followed by an eruption of laughter from both parties.

Everything was going swimmingly. Little Finger cracked open the first bag of Doritos in front of the overly excited and overly hungry Varys. Varys reached his hand into the bag and grabbed the chip with such force as if to compensate for something astray. Just as he was about to put the crunchy masterpiece into his mouth, the door swung open. Several guards rushed into the room, wielding spears and other pointed metal objects. Finally, the last of what seemed like an endless flow of guards entered the smoked engulfed room carrying a scroll. The guard promptly opened it and began reading.

"Lord Varys, by order of the Kings Landing Royal Guard Company, you are under arrest for the murder of King Joffry Baratheon. You will be given a trial on the coming Thursday. You have the right to legal representation in the court of law. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can, and will be used against you in the court of law-"

"Cut the theatrics crap." Interrupted Varys as he put his hands together, awaiting the handcuffs and turning himself in.

It was afternoon. Two hours before the trial to determine the fate of Lord Varys' life. Little finger had come to the small prison cell to have a private meeting with Varys.

"Hello, friend." said Little Finger, giving Varys a menacing smile. Varys knew he still had his weed and was quite irate from the fact.

"I have a solution to your problem at hand" Little Finger continued. "I happen to have some contacts in the north, and have reached an agreement to drop all charges in exchange of one year of service for the Knights Watch on the wall."

Varys was silent, and nodding his head in agreement.

"Then it's settled. The trial will be terminated, and you will be setting out to the Wall on the next sunrise."

Little finger exited the room, and all was silent.

Under his breath, Varys mumbled "Mother fucker still has my weed, bitchcuntfuckshit.."

The curses and insults went on, however, Varys knew he would never witness the green herb ever again.

The next morning came and Varys made his uneventful journey towards the north. In fact, it was so uneventful, that we will skip this part of the story entirely.

The stoney walls of castle black came into view as Varys' convoy made its way up the final hill. They reached the gate and the guard escorting Varys stated his business to the watch guard at the gate. Those big wooden doors opened slowly with a creak. Standing there to meet them was none other than Jon "Mother Fucking" Snow.

"Oh shit, look who it is!" said Jon Snow, opening his arms wide for a hug with Varys.

Varys, trying his best with hands cuffed behind his back, responded to the hug.

"Whats the fucking haps, my man?" said Varys after the hug had ended. "Its been too long, man, you still slingin' meth?"

"Nah, I'm done with that shit. I've got my self a full time job at none other than the Knights Watch"

Jon Snow thew his hands up as if to say, "Look at this shit, motherfucker!" Jon Snow showed Varys inside and introduced him to some of his crew. He eventually lead him into Master Aemon's quarters, where Aemon was lighting up while reading a book upside down. He sensed Jon enter the room and turned to him.

"Jon, my fucking bro!" he said, facing two feet away from Jon's location. "Come hit this shit, this shits hella dope!"

"For sure, bruh, but we got ourselves a new recruit."

"A new recruit? What deadbeat pussy ass nigga did we pick up this time?"

"None other than Lord fucking Varys."

"Never heard of him. Whatever, take him to the barracks to get suited up. Come back when you want some REAL dope company."

Aemon lifted up the joint he had put down and put it into his mouth, filter facing out. As Jon and Varys were leaving the room, a faint cry of pain could be heard in the background. Varys and Jon brushed it off as nothing for they thought it was just the neighbourhood cat.

They reached the barracks and were ready to try on some armour. Thats when Varys' eyes met the wandering eye of what could only be described as a beautiful planet sized ball of ham bearing similar features to that of a human. The ham planet looked towards him, and in a brief moment that seemed like an eternity, the world stood still. That beautiful beast waddled towards Varys and held out with big meaty hand.

"Hello!" said the man of mystery "My name is Sam. Pleased to meet you!"

Varys tried to say something but the words just wouldn't come out. He opened his mouth and, "Auuuhhhblehrherhggh." He made a sound similar to a man choking on his own spaghetti.

"Umm, okay." Said Sam. "I'll be in the sleeping quarters if you need me."

And with that, the giant meaty Sam waddled away.

Varys could not sleep at all that night. He rocked back and forth in his bed like a boulder demonstrating conservation of energy if there were no friction present in the closed system. His dreams were all of him. That whale of human size and shape. That said humans beard situated on his neck. His dreamy George Cloony like face. Everything about him allured Varys like no other. He devised a plan in his bed to sneak to the bed three beds across from his bed where Sam's bed was situated. He put his plan into action. Varys snuck out of his bed, and on to the floor with such little noise, it was as if his footsteps were that of a mouse. When he reached Sam's bed, Varys took a breath and prepared himself. He lifted up the blankets with one swift sweep, jumped into his bed, and proceeded to spoon Sam.

Sam woke up as he jumped in his bed and just lied there in confusion for a few seconds while Varys spooned him. Finally Sam opened his mouth.

"What are doing?" asked Sam.

"SSHH! Just let it happen." said Varys, he clung tighter to Sam.

Sam, being the massive person he is, got up to his feat, lifting Varys up in the process because of his tight grip. Sam made his way over to Jon Snow and knelt down before his bed.

"Hey. Hey Jon, you awake?" Sam enquired

"I am now, asshat. What do you want?" replied Jon Snow

"Well, you see. It's about the new guy."

"Yeah? What about him? Spit it out already!"

"Well, just tonight, around one minute ago even, he climbed into my bed and started spooning me"

"Shut up Sam. No one wants to hear about your stupid dreams." Said Jon Snow, turning away from Sam.

"But its true!" Pleaded Sam. "He's clinging on me right now!"

Jon Snow turned himself slightly to assess the situation. Sure enough, there was Varys, clinging to Sam's rolls like a barnacle to the side of a boat.

"What the fuck..." Muttered Jon Snow. "Just shake him off, he's probably just sleepwalking or something."

Sam did so and returned to sleep.

The next day, a group of guards came to the castle in search of Varys. They came bearing good news.

"Lord Varys." One of the guards said to him. "You have been found wrongfully accused of any charges you were faced with. You are to be given formal passage back to kings landing."

"I refuse to go." Said Varys. "I have fallen in love." he grappled onto Sam's arm tightly.

"You have a direct order from the king to return to Kings Landing."

"I think that sounds pretty good. You should go. Seriously." Said Sam.

"No! I must stay with you! Though our love is forbidden, we will stay together."

Sam started shaking his arm wildly to get off the love drunk Eunuch.

"Guards, please!" pleaded Sam desperately.

One of the guards tried to grab him to get him off only to received a fist to the face from Varys.

Thats when Varys froze as he felt fifty thousands volts of electricity flow into his body from the guards taser. He fell flat on the ground, and was out like a light.

When he awoke he was in his room in Kings Landing, with Little Finger playing Grand Theft Auto on his television.

"Jesus Christ. Finally, sleeping beauty awakes!" Little Finger said sarcastically.

Varys blinked. His vision was blurry.

"How long have I been out?"

"three months and six days." Said little finger. "I took the liberty of moving in here since my girlfriend kicked me out. I figured 'hey, he probably isn't going to wake up anyway, might as well crash on his sofa'. Apparently he did wake up." Little Finger explained without taking his eyes off the television screen.

"What happened? I can't seem to remember."

"You tried to fuck some fat guy and was tased by the cops man, some seriously nasty shit."

"Fuck. What was I thinking?" said Varys in a regretful tone.

"Fuck if I know, man. But hey, were room mates now, lets get high and play video games." Little Finger said reassuringly.

"Sure, whatever." said Varys as he started packing the bowl to the pipe that Little Finger had bought.

The rest of the day was spent indulging in the smoke of marijuana and the playing of video games. Varys had learned something, however, from his eventful journey to the wall. A sexual relationship just isn't cut out for a eunuch. Varys still keeps the memory of that bulging meat sphere in his mind, and takes solace in the fact that he had seen heaven in it's truest form.

The End.


End file.
